December 30, 2007

~ Randomly...

Viv: We are all waiting for someone to come and knock us off our feet.
me: Um, actually, I'd rather not.
Wenn: What if I'm already lying down?
me: Haha... ya, already lying down on the floor.
Wenn: Ya. I need someone to...
me: pick you up.
Wenn: Pick me up.
me: Literally and figuratively. Pick you up from the airport too.
Wenn: Haha...

xxx

The most, in fact, the only successful couple that was a result of my 'match-making' some ten years ago. Most inspiring too.

Congrats, Mr and Mrs Teo.

It was a pleasure being your MC.

xxx

An apology that came 9 years late. Yet, an apology that need not be anymore.

Look how far, how much further we've come as friends. More than half our lives. 17 years is not a short time. Absence did make the heart more tolerant.

A friend in you, a friend in me. What a very, very nice assurance to close this year.

My royal pain in the arse, no matter how charming - Guoqiang.

Thank you for the compliment. Comes from you once every two blue moons. What a very, very flattering way to close this year. I am gorgeous. Thank you very much.

xxx

Yes, you did not forget Ant Bully. I got the days mixed up.

You are proving your point well. Would you be my guest blogger?

You are making me feel bad for not having been the one who recollected and blogged on the few days in Jkt. But truth is, you can do so much better a job at it than I can.

Yes, I should be so ashamed.

xxx

So, all those late nights kept ever since I got back from Jakarta. And the result is a losing fight for the immune system.

Popped my cold tablets, gonna have a good, long sleep. So long~

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:32

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December 27, 2007

~ Randomly...

Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong
And everything you think you had baby
Is gone

Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

[It's all over but the crying ~ Garbage]

I love that this song makes me feel quite fucked up everytime I listen to it. It's like someone who's been through what you've been through (or even more) telling you "Everything you think you know is wrong! WRONG! You are seriously fucked!"

And I lurve that kind of feeling. It makes me feel like, at least, I'm not alone. Someone else also knows that we are all fucked. And converted wisdom into song.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:00

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December 26, 2007

~ Randomly...

Haven't heard this song for months... It's playing in the background now.

I will stand by you, thru the darkest hours, and will never desert you.

Darn, I now find myself standing alone.

So, where the bloody hell are you?

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:34

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December 25, 2007

And 'tis for u...

... Emman.

How difficult can it be to appear confident when you learnt to care more about yourself than anyone else? I embrace my existence just to see how bad the next joke can be.

I need my escapes too. More now than ever.

You are my best Indonesian friend too!

Thank you for the extra 3599 seconds.
You don't have a KPI when you consider it's me. 'Cos I'm a bitch. It's just not possible to make me happy like it is for Chaw Su. But I really had a good break the past week.
Thank you, and Maria and of course, your parents for having us.
*pls take this post personally. *_^

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:40

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Still randomly... from real Jakarta

Because according to Emmanuel, our very thoughtful host, life is Jakarta is just so real. And life in Singapore is just so artificial. That, coming from someone who is now a Singaporean PR.

xxx

First impression: Down-to-earth. The Soekarno Hatta was built to function like how an airport should function. Nothing extremely breath-taking or spectacular. They didn't even air-con the whole airport! How modern can that be!

But, as Chaw Su and I stepped into the Mac with Maria, our co-host, sister of Emman, my first impression was that this place didn't aim to impress. It's just how life is lived. Simple, no frills, down-to-earth.

xxx

I would love to visit the museum which used to be the Dutch governor's house. But, there was the traffic to consider if we were to go back again. And there was shopping to be done, for so many everyone else. Right?

I loved taking the Transjakarta. I love sightseeing a city in a bus. Squeezing in with the locals and every turn of a junction, every halt at a traffic light, I get to see something different and uniquely local.

It helped so much that I was on the same bus with Emman, when Chaw Su was on an earlier one with Maria. He pointed out to me the major or significant buildings in the city. My response to all that - 'Jakarta is sooo big! You have a building for about every little thing...' - was entirely boring. A boring understatement to the bustling city where disparities are as omnipresent as vehicles on the road.

I chuckled once while trying to cross the busy road near the Jakarta city train station. There was nothing funny around me. I just took a second to take in all the sights, sounds and smell where I was standing and somehow, it felt like I was living another life altogether. A total escape from a comparatively sterile Singapore. There is some humour in that since my host must be more worried about me feeling disdain than feeling some form of escape from my usual monotoned life in Singapore.

xxx

There are some really, really yummy snacks that I really, really think should be exported to Singapore.

Enough of Hong Kong cafes in Singapore! There's only so much almond paste one can eat at one time! Even if that's one of my favourites. I simply love the smell of insecticide, can?

But let's bring in the pisang goreng, Indon-style! And all those snacks we had from Mangga Dua? Good stuff, really!

My sisters dig the wafer-sugar-thread thingy that I bought for my students! I should have bought a dozen more for their breakfast.

xxx

Hope is a very powerful thing. Let there be hope for all who seek it.

xxx

It was my first time attending a Catholic church service.

Perhaps in the years I grew up, when I was being put through some kind of spiritual faith, I've never learnt and thus, don't quite believe in redemption. My religion, through all those years, taught me karma - thought before deed. And that life is suffering.

Indeed, if the half-committed buddhist in me dared hope, I could only hope for an end to this suffering, a breakaway from the realm of rebirth. And to remotely be considered for some kind of salvation, I kept expecting the best from myself. Especially in my relations with others.

I absolutely believe that the only good we could do at any moment in time, is to do what we believe is the best for that moment in time. And indeed, if that best has been, redemption cease to be necessary. And when the deed has failed to be the best, I take responsibility for the consequences. In time, I try to forgive myself.

Then, later, I learn another more efficient way to even stop thinking about the things that didn't end up being the best.

I learnt to just say, 'Ahh.... what the fuck!'

xxx

Can you not try to understand me but still make me the reason for your continued existence?

Let's not both land in the state where we feel disappointed at not having been understood and fail to understand. Let us pass this existence with some kind of conviction that we are each other's reason for being here.

Otherwise, I'd rather be lonely.

xxx

"Hello. I promised my friend I would say Hello to you today."

I haven't cried in movies for a long time. Jeez. That was fantastic thrill.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:55

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Dreams - My other reality

He held out his hand for me to hold. I put my hand in his and asked, 'Why do you always have your hand ready for me to hold?'

He said, 'Because I remember you said you liked the feeling of having someone to hold your hand. Don't you?'

I smiled. And I believed that we won't let go of each other's hand, ever. So, I just held his hand tightly.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 02:10

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December 18, 2007

~ Randomly...

Read this from Wikipedia...

Someone who believes in reality might be called a "realist," and someone who believes in a deity could identify as a "theist." Someone who believes fundamentally only in existence, and seeks to find meaning in his or her life solely by embracing existence, is an existentialist.

Somehow, I just laughed out loud at the italicised sentence. I think it's cos I think I just found the way to define me, or describe me in one sentence. I embrace existence because there is no meaning in inflicting pain onto oneself in any attempt to end that existence. So, what is the meaning I've sought in life?

If I had found the meaning, I can't be an existentialist anymore. And if I have not found the meaning, I must still be seeking for the meaning. Hence, I am an existentialist.

This is hazy. But I've been reading philo... so, that's my line of argument or defence or whatever. Not like I care... haha

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:26

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December 16, 2007

Dreams - My other reality

I had a dream of how things would be so very different if it had gone down the other road. If faith could be depended on and the fickle human heart was less so. If we had, instead of admitting defeat to time, persisted in time. I had that kind of dream that could have as easily been reality as be just a dream.

In the dream, I felt a surge of confidence that things would work out. Self-assurance was very powerful. But it was still a dream. And it's all very mixed up. For how can a she be a he?

Sometimes, I really miss the feelings I got in my dreams. I try to sleep on and on and hold on to the dream because I don't want to lose that feeling.

But that's usually when my dogs will bark the dream out of me. A short-lived other reality. Sucks.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:11

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December 08, 2007

~ Randomly...

Write only when you have something to write. Ask a question. Or many. Or try to answer a question. Or many. And when you don't know the answer, write a story. Make sure it captures not just the imagination but the mind, the heart, the soul too.


xxx


In this month's issue of First magazine, Will Smith, in his interview, remarked, "Human beings are creatures of hope. The only reason somebody gets out of bed is because they have hope - that there's something out there for them, which is also the reason people who are depressed stay in bed, because they feel there is no hope."

Waking up because there is hope, some kind of hope. I thought about the reason why I wake up each day nowadays. Actually, I wake up for breakfast. So, yes. I hope that there's some breakfast out there for me. But if there is, it's only cos my mum or I remembered to drop by the bakery the day before.


I really dislike it when my tummy acts up when I have irregular meals or am under stress (which doesn't happen often now ever since I took a career switch). So, I try to make sure I have 3 somewhat regular meal times. Breakfast is usually before 9.30am. Meaning, I wake up around 8.30am on normal days.

People who are depressed do not want to get out of bed because they feel there is no hope ahead in the day for them. I guess that's pretty true. When you are depressed, you don't really care what is ahead.


That said, on days that I decide to go a few levels up the depressed mode, I still get myself out of the bed. Not for hope or the seeking of hope. It's usually either for food (ditto) or if I really can't fall asleep anymore, I get up for the TV.

I'm a simple girl with very simple, down-to-earth hopes.


xxx


I so need to study and learn something before my brain capsizes in this monotony. So, I picked up philosophy. Now, my brain swims around ontological arguments.


Very hazy. I'm hoping to reach the island of existentialism soon.


Meanwhile, if you believe in a perfect anything (like, a perfect marriage/life partner or God), I think you are really pretty fucked. And I think I'm an ex-rationalist coming to be an empiricist.


*slightly dazed*


xxx


Compliance is the most convenient stone to corporate and workplace success. Formality is the boring scenery along the path.


I'd rather not succeed. But I'm quite skilled in giving people illusions or disillusions, depending on whose side I'm on.


xxx


Eug: Who do you hang out with nowadays?
Me: You mean besides my mum?
Eug: Uhhuh.
Me: And my dad, my sisters and my two dogs? *pause* I hang out with my laptop. All my friends are in my computer. No lah, erm... Wendy, I guess.
Eug: Oh. Does Wendy have a boyfriend now?


*haha*


xxx


To the girlfriends of my guy friends,


There is absolutely no need for your green horns to pop out. I prefer to date woman. If I were to date at all.


xxx


See! So much inspiration from one evening with royalty.


Next up, I would really like to get my Catcher In The Rye back. Another royalty - the royal PITA...

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:45

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December 03, 2007

~ Randomly...

Farking Vain Bitch!

*huggzzz*

Now that the affectionate bit is over, can you send us an email with the email add you are using now?!?! You know how fushing unavailable and distant I feel about you when you decided to murder your blog, stop checking your hotmail and very much disappear from msn?

Juxrebel... ya, whatever. Just drop us an email, would ya?!

xxx

Nobody should take my blog posts personally except myself.

Unless, of course, it's like the above post.

xxx

It's coming back. I still feel cold and I still shiver. I hate it. Why does it always happen like this when I hear something from you? If it's not such a big fucking deal, then someone explain this to me, please!

Really, let's just say 'sorry' and clear the fuck-up up, shall we? Would that help? Cos I really hate it when I'm this consumed by fear. Feels damn shitty.

xxx

If I didn't have tuition the next morning, I guess I would have stayed on longer. It was fun. Just being there, looking at people, rocking to the music, drinking gin tonic. Maybe I'd give Asahi another shot the next time.

If only the crowded comes in earlier, though.

xxx

Letters to write. It's coming to a year. How breathtaking!

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:01

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